Helping our boys be the best version of themselves

Last weekend, a sobering statistic was reported across the media: in a study conducted by Ten to Men, it was found that one in three men (35%) reported they had used some form of “intimate partner violence, as an adult by 2022. According to the report, this was up from 24% in 2013-14. This intimate partner violence can take the form of emotional abuse, physical violence and/or sexual abuse.

Similarly, a 2023 report by the Law Enforcement Conduct Commission titled “Review of NSW Police Force responses to domestic and family violence incidents estimated that “40% of police work in the state involves responding to domestic violence”.

These are worrying, headline-grabbing statistics. It is easy to fall into a “pit of despair” when coming across these numbers and wonder at the state of the nation and of society.

However, when reviewing the Ten to Men report, it was heartening to know that love, care and connection from a young age for our boys is a key ingredient to turning the tide. The statistic below is powerful: affection from a father or father figure (positive male role models) are the first starting point. There is a beautiful simplicity to this: loving our children for who they are, modelling affection and, if there is no father in a young boy’s life, connecting in with extended family, friends and a school to find positive male role models is the essence of what young boys need.

In addition, the report found a strong correlation with mental health and social support in the rates of intimate partner violence amongst those participating in the study. Two key take aways are important here:

1. The way in which we are create space across for men to talk about mental health, and be ok about accessing support, is instrumental in helping to combat violence within intimate relationships. The safer we all feel – regardless of gender – in having conversations about whether we are ok makes a difference. The next step is being able to access the professional or social interventions needed.
2. There is a correlation between having strong social connections and a reduction in intimate partner violence. This means that the more we help our boys and girls get off their phones and talk to each other, and us as parents, the more we build their capacity to create and sustain strong social connections.

The report suggested that:

“Policy and practice changes that focus on providing integrated mental health support for men, and programs that promote the importance of social support as well as good quality relationships between fathers and their sons could contribute to a reduction in men’s use of intimate partner violence.” (Source)

Recently, I gave evidence on behalf of the NSW branch of AHISA (Association of Heads of Independent Schools Australia) to a Senate inquiry on the impact of harmful pornography on mental, emotional and physical health. It is crucial that these inquiries and conversations are happening. There is a correlation between young boys’ access to pornography, especially that of a graphic and violent nature, and their assumptions about intimate relationships and what is considered “normal” when seeking intimacy. Likewise, for girls, what they see and view online shapes their assumptions about normal, human relationships.

However, for me, the access to pornography by students at younger and younger ages is more a symptom than a cause. As a society, and as a community, we need to step back and review the way in which we are enabling our young children to access information online and the controls we are putting in place on their use of technology and smart devices. The challenge we face as parents, especially of my generation who did not grow up with social media, is how to put controls in place. The other challenge is the fact that behaviours typical in adolescence are emerging at younger and younger ages with children’s ready access to smart devices.

One of the most powerful tools I have come across for parenting adolescents is one produced by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). It is called Raising Teens, and it outlines the “10 tasks of adolescence” as follows:

This all makes absolute sense: as adults, we can relate to it from our lived experience. Children, though, are being exposed to more and more complex, adult-style material online at younger ages, before they are ready cognitively, socially and emotionally to begin some of the work noted above. They might be confronted with “more complex emotional experiences” and inappropriate materials online before they have had a chance to develop their own moral standards or fully comprehend what they are seeing. This is where I worry about the statistics around intimate partner violence, and what our young boys are viewing online from younger and younger ages. They are simply not yet ready to embark on the 10 tasks of adolescence, but as a society we are asking them to do so through their access to technology.

The MIT Parenting Project goes on to describe the five basics of parenting adolescents:

1. Love and connect – offer support and acceptance while affirming the teen’s increasing maturity.
2. Monitor and observe – let teens know you are paying attention.
3. Guide and limit – uphold clear boundaries while encouraging increased competence
4. Model and consult – provide continual support for decision-making, teaching by example and ongoing dialogue.
5. Provide and advocate – provide a supportive home environment and a network of caring adults.

I love these fives basics of parenting because of their simplicity. These are things we can all do as parents, and which we all want to do. Sometimes it is good to know that we don’t need to do more – we don’t need to be even better parents getting our children to yet more activities. We just need to love and monitor, put boundaries in place, talk to our kids and provide for them.

As parents, then, there is a simplicity to what we do next to turn the tide on the statistics above. The five basics of parenting are strategies and protective factors for helping our children become resilient and compassionate adults. Know that it is ok to guide and limit your children – children of all ages value boundaries. They feel safe when the boundaries are clear. Set boundaries in their virtual worlds as well as their face-to-face worlds. Be present online with them; observe and monitor them online, and restrict their access until they are ready to embrace the 10 tasks of adolescence.

HVGS students are lucky – as parents, you have made a commitment to investing in them through high-quality education in a safe and supportive environment. Our students can be role models for others – boys and girls alike – on how to form caring, compassionate and mutually-supportive relationships and how to stand up for what is right when they see someone being harmed. Now more than ever it is important to do this and to build a generation that understands what respect looks like in relationships, feels safe reaching out for support, knows how to build social connections, and knows how to talk about not being ok.

Sobering statistics like I shared above are the headline grabbers. They are the reminders that we are on the right path but that perhaps we can knuckle down some more and put more stringent boundaries around our children’s online lives so that they become the role models of what healthy, loving relationships and friendships look like.